Tobi's Consultancy
by Vain-x-Delirium
Summary: Do you have a problem, a dilemma or just a random typical out of the box question? Do you have answers? No, of course you dont! Then look no further! Tobi is here, saving you all your lunch monies.
1. Chapter 1

Hello my name is Uchiha Madara, and I'm a Tobi!

Just kidding! Not. Seriously, my name is Tobi and I'm here to offer you my services. As you may know, the Akatsuki is falling apart. We've encountered so many losses and so many deaths thanks to Naruto and his bunch of merry men. Since Tobi has nothing to do but plot while the war is going on, sponsored by Kabuto, Yamato and more or less ten thousand white Zetsu's sprouting from the wall (and the occasional floor and ceiling), Tobi wants something to do!

And because of that, Tobi wishes to extend a generous offer to you all!

Do you have problems or inquiries about life, love and other non trivial and trivial matters? Make believe or not, Tobi is here bearing all sorts of different answers, believe it!

You might be asking though, "How can one silly Tobi help?" Well then, the answer is simple my simple minded ninja and non ninja friends. Just send Tobi a letter and Tobi will answer it!

Don't worry, Deidara-sempai wont blow anything up, so you don't have to worry! Your letters are safe with Tobi! Tobi doesn't care how personal your problem is! Tobi will have a solution for it!

Tobi looks forward to hearing from you all!

So don't be shy, drop me a line, and let me help you with your sighs!


	2. Frying Pan Troubles

Hello, you're here with me on another episode of Tobi's consultancy. I have here a bag of letters! Well, a bag of letter, considering how there's only one letter at the moment. Looks like not a lot of people have problems. But this one is an interesting question. Tobi's looked into it.

::Pulls a letter from the Akatsuki patterned mail bag.::

Okay, so it reads:

_**Dear Tobi,**_

_**How would you deal with your fiancee throwing a barrage of frying pans at your head?**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Concussed in the Hospital**_

You know what, that's actually a good question.

I've actually experienced something like that before. My girlfriend likes to throw stuff at me, more than just frying pans! It's her favorite though. And if you're not careful, it would hurt and you'd end up in the hospital. But here are a few ways that you can avoid it.

First, you can avoid it like I do. Let the frying pans phase through your body! Not only will your girlfriend be amazed, but she'll be all touchy feely with you afterwards! Seeing those things pass through your body, they'll be curious. Super curious enough to steal a feel!

Second, you could butter her up. Grab a knife and some butter and spreeeeeeaaaad! Just kidding. Jokes aside, you can calm her down and talk to her. Use sweet words to woo her and get her to cook for you, instead of using the pan against you. People, guys or girls loves to be sugar coated in a number of ways. Just talking to them makes a difference.

Third and final way, snatch the damn thing and toss it at the ground. You can show him or her whose boss. It might not be that effective and can produce negative results, but it might work! Put your foot down! And don't let it happen. If you want do a barrage of your own, sforks, forks and spoons! Have a fun fight then make up after.

Was I able to answer your question? I hope I did. Take it from Tobi, Tobi knows best! I'll be hearing from you guys again! Send me more and you might win a prize!

Well, that's all the time that we have for today, you've been here with me, Tobi! And this has been Tobi's consultancy! See you guys again! Bai, bai!

:: Finger hearts. ::


	3. Tobi's Love Life?

Welcome to another segment of Tobi's Consultancy! This again is Uchiha Madara and I'm a Tobi!

You hear me say this twice now, and you might be thinking, "What the hell is a Tobi?" well the answer is quite simple. A Tobi is a person or a creature that is simple minded and carefree. A Tobi has some random spurs of adorable arrogance that gets him in trouble with his sempai, but it's a sunny side trait that is loved by the creepier party in an organization or a group. A Tobi is also a mysterious figure that confuses the hell out of people that tries to stop the said organization or group. Tobi usually leaves people like Kakashi's and Naruto's stumped in a battle. This is how a Tobi works, for more stuff like this, be sure to write me some letters. Oh right, no one wrote and asked me what I was. I just wanted to share.

But moving on to our letter of the day, here goes! :: Pulls a letter from the Akatsuki Mail Bag. ::

Our question for today that came from "Curious Me" reads:

_**Dear Tobi,**_

_**Do you have a crush, lover, girlfriend, ect.?**_

_**Sincerly,  
><strong>__  
><em>_**Curious Me**_

Somehow, Tobi likes this question.

Well to answer your question, it will take me three days and three nights to tell…just kidding!

Well to be honest, Tobi has no one in mind right now aside from this one girl. She's really pretty and she has lavender hair and silver eyes. But can you believe that she doesn't like Tobi at all and treats me like some kind of plague that appeared on her door step out of no where!

To answer your question, yes I have a crush. But Tobi doesn't have a girlfriend or a lover. Would you like to apply? If so, just dial my special hotline, 1-800-TobiLove. I'm good for a lot of things like parties, brightening up your day…dragging random Akatsuki over to your house for you to fanboy/fangirl at. Tobi is good at this sort of stuff! That and Tobi is good in bed, you just don't know it!

Well that's it for our segment of Tobi's consultancy today! If you write and vote for youe favorite Akatsuki, I may just invite them to answer your letters too! See you next time! :: Finger heart. ::


	4. Waffles, Crushes and Masked Personages!

Welcome back to the next episode to Tobi's consultancy!

Is it just me or did this just become a show? Anyway, there's no problem there. Even if this became a show, I don't mind. More airtime for me than in the manga or in the anime, right? Right?

Anyway, since this is becoming a show, do you my faithful readers, have any ideas for segments? Send in your suggestions and I'll do them! But for now, let's go to our new segment called, "What's that Ninja!"

I already answered what is a Tobi. Now let's go to a new character. :: Randomly draws a paper from a wooden box. ::

Let's see…What is a Naruto?

Okay, a Naruto is an annoying little brat with whisker shaped marks on his face. A Naruto can be distinguished with bright yellow hair and bright sky blue eyes. They can usually be seen in places where there's ramen or where there's trouble. He usually sticks his nose into other people's business and influences them to change for the good. But that's not all that there is with a Naruto. A Naruto also has a deep black darkness in his soul. He's friendly but he lives in solitude and a fox demon lives inside him. Usually he also has what we call a demon fox cloak. If you see four tails, you better run! That Naruto is out of control! Usually, Narutos are also attracted to Sakuras. So Sakuras, beware!

Well that's it for "What's this Ninja!" Stay tuned for more next time!

Now on to business. We have three letter senders today! Let's go on to our first letter.

Our first letter comes from Welikewaffles! and it reads,

_**Dear Tobi,**_

_**Do you like waffles?**_

I do! I do loke waffles. To be honest I just had them today. I like them with honey, I love them with syrup and I like them with a lot of whipped cream, caramel and chocolate ice cream! I like them crispy, I like them sweet, I like them a little mushy…just a little bit! I like them with bacon, I like them with Sam, I do like them with green eggs and ham!

Okay, our next letter comes from someone in trouble! Oh noes! Let's see what she said,

_**Dear Tobi,**_

_**Please help me, I was told that one of my male friends seems to have developed a crush on me and I don't know what to do. What would Tobi do?**_

Ah, that is trouble. But Tobi has a solution!

If I was in the same situation as you, I'd do the first logical thing. I'd find out if it's fact or fiction. Sometimes, people like making things up. Practical jokes! One time, Kisame-san told me that Deidara-sempai liked Tobi too! I tried to verify it but he just blew me up in the most devastating way and trapped me in a leg lock. It was so painful. You can ask the source directly or try and go ninja to find out what's true. If it isnt, rest assured, you're safe. If it is, then confrontation comes next.

You can ask him yourself. You'll know when it's true! If he denies it while being angry, then it probably is. If he shrugs it off and joke about it, it might be a hoax. Don't be too awkward around the guy though, or else your friendship might suffer because of it.

Also, tell him what you feel or if you're ready to accept his feelings. If he does like you, he'll understand! Try it! Tobi hopes it helps. Tobi would do this too!

Oh, and thank you! Just today, I forced her to say "I love you"! And she did! :: with a little blackmail help. ::

Now, onto our last letter for the day…This one came from Khorale,

_**Dear Tobi,**_

_**Why do you wear a mask? Your face couldn't be THAT old.**_

Oh no, my face isnt THAT old. Actually, it's THAT young! That's why I wear a mask. My beauty will blind all that sees me. I can't have people see my radiant beauty! It will be a sin. I'm doing humanity a favor. That and masks are cool! Plus, Tobi is shy!

Well, that's it for this day's episode of Tobi's consultancy! Please send in more of your letters! Tobi loves you all! Also, Tobi plans on asking one of the cast to drop by and answer your letters! So far, the people who answered are from Akatsuki. They are: Kakuzu, Kisame, Nagato and Konona! Please vote for who you'd like to see help me answer your questions! Bai bai! :: Finger Hearts ::


End file.
